The Effects of Homoerotic Media on Sexual Attraction: A 10 Day Experiment

Day 0.

Today I begin my journey; validation-seeking guised as ☆self-discovery☆ (or is it confirmation bias pushing to prove existing suspicions true? keep reading ~_^). For years I've heard people talk about how they found themselves attracted to members of the same sex, and how they had repressed those feelings throughout life. They told stories about discovering their “true” selves late in life, and I often wondered if perhaps deep inside I had those sorts of desires, too. Those moments between lovers… or was it just me daydreaming about bros during bro hugs again... no matter, either way you get what I mean, maybe too much information already.

Up until this point, all of my sexual interests had fallen within the opposite sex. But is that all there is for me - yes, am I "doomed" to observe beautiful lady parts all my life... groans. What sparked this crisis is that lately, there hasn’t been any sexual response from me towards porn… Even the lesbian ones didn’t touch me too much… Is there something wrong? Is this “just a phase”? The only things that make my heart race now seem to be women acting seductive in movies, or licking their lips in pictures and villains in cartoons. Perhaps there is something wrong with me for not having stronger attractions to women qua women? What if all this time I was meant to desire men? Maybe, just maybe, my love for certain male celebrities isn't entirely platonic? (cough <wink> Dwayne Johnson <wink> cough).

Meanwhile, getting it on with someone of the same gender can send shivers down my spine, unless they also flash a wicked smile (if you smell what the rock is cooking) or perform some suggestive lip work (lip-sync optional).

(Pssst. As a child I craved validation for my love of questionable cartoon characters more than I desired oxygen molecules (Blue from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends - he’s agender right? - and Gary from Poekmon who does look quite feminine if you ask me, Cody from Total Drama Island who’s veritably male, all the Ashleys from Recess, and probably most of all Mandy from Billy and Mandy, Vicky from Fairy Odd Parents and The Kanker Sisters from Ed Edd and Eddy). One fateful day, after watching an episode of "Doraemon" 783 times in a row, I realised something revolutionary: the boy robot loved Nobita just as much as he admired Shizuka – in a strictly platonic manner, of course, since Doraemon existed in a time long before human understanding caught up to manga authors. And thus commenced the first seismic shift in my little mind towards openness regarding different forms of affection.)

Amidst these confounding circumstances, it dawns on me I could potentially identify as one who dares utter the three letters — GAY. Feeling lost AF (as always), I accidentally stumbled upon this brilliant idea: Why not explore my Kinsey scale rating? Sounds like fun, right? Right?? Hint: It wasn't. So, I'll be setting out on this journey to understand exactly what it means to feel attraction towards the same gender: ten days of exclusive exposure to gay pornographic material, followed by rigorous examination of my emotions. I must find out soon so my friends don’t start gossiping rumors. Oh boy, they love their rumours. For the sake of posterity, let us baptise this venture by calling it a Self-Discovery Adventure Tour – AKA SDA v1.0 (™ pending). No need to send thanking letters to the CEO just yet.

ALSO I remember seeing somewhere before that rats exposed to bisexual content showed no discernible difference in preference compared to non-exposed rats. Hmm… maybe I should add some rats for comparison? Nahh... I couldn’t possibly hurt anyone like that... especially since people aren't test subjects. Wait... does that mean my mom was a guinea pig when she got pregnant with little old me? Aww, thanks for the memories Momma! Anyways.. back to task at hand... this is purely academic.

Now, you must excuse me while I vomit an ocean of verbiage onto digital pages for I have to give credit where it is due for this experiment. The road to enlightenment rarely travels without some form of indirect influence (ask any scientist), hence why a certain sci-fi simulation title merits mention. You guessed it, I refer to Rimworld 2 - the AAA survival game based around managing each others colons ... erm I mean colonies. I've been thinking quite a bit about population growth rates recently due to an aspect present in the early design phase of the mod called "Population Management", where they had intended to introduce concepts inspired by a combination of Mormonism & Shintoism, including homosexual relationships/marriages etc.. though ultimately none of these features ended up making it into later builds before scrapping the project entirely shortly after its public release(s). Gay mormons mingling with Japanese gods to create harmonious communities - life imitating art again, or is it vice-versa? But yeah, enough background rambling, I digressed again. (PS: Thank god nobody reads blogs anymore.)

So fasten your seatbelts, grab a popcorn shrimp, and settle in for the ride of your life. Trust me, you won't regret it… until I start sending you late night sexts begging you to come rescue me from yet another mess of my own creation. But hey, nobody said love was easy – especially when it involves three or four consenting adults bound with rope and covered in feathers. Oops, looks like I already slipped up and shared TMI. Damnit, I meant to say nothing cannon-related happened. Just kidding. I totally lied about everything earlier. In reality, I spend my days curled up in the fetal position surrounded by empty vegan ice cream tubs. That's right, rock bottom here I come. On second thought, scratch the advice to fasten your seatbelt. No need to subject yourself to such degeneracy. Please do not read on.

This is Agent XL, until we speak again ;)

Day 1.

Hello, your favourite amateur psychoanalyst here. The Self-Discovery Adventure Tour (SDAT?) begins today! rubs hands together Bring on the smutty content.

First things first; I woke up feeling odd, like something inside me shifted slightly. I don’t understand exactly what changed yet, but it seems somehow profound. ‘Profound’ seems like the only correct word to decide it. Suffice to say that my mind races incessantly with things related to my recent decision to embrace gay porn. It feels both exhilarating and scary. I fear disappointment in myself for taking so long to confront my own identity crisis. At other moments, I worry about the impact on my family and friends who may struggle to accept or relate to this potential change. Yet still other thoughts linger on finding my future niche among the LGBTQA+ community if the experiment proves once and for all that I am indeed a full blown homosexual or bisexual or pansexual—some kind of other sexual. Wondering where I would fit. All I know for certain is this isn’t coming from anywhere else. I’m excited to live a more genuinely authentic version of myself, flaws and all.

Why do I say all this already, isn’t it all too pre-mature to know?

Well, well, well… I think there might be a revelation already. So far, for today’s task, I've watched numerous pornos, encompassing different scenarios and dynamics to gauge my preferences, if any. I decide to stick to ‘vanilla’ content for the first day and move from there across the spectrum as the days progress.

The first thing I noticed was that the acts performed differ drastically from those seen in mainstream heterosexual films. Anal stimulation seems to take center stage in many scenes whereas cunnilingus and fellatio reign supreme in the opposite same-sex scenes I’ve been used to. Nonetheless, both forms of expression share similar elements; moaning, heavy breathing, and suggestive language, though sadly lip licking is not usually part of the performance.

Through observation, some common themes started emerging: a majority focus heavily on facial cum shots where males ejaculate onto one another, sometimes eating it, swapping between partners, licking off bodies, etc., and other instances showcase more dominant figures penetrating their male submissives. All these scenarios provide clear insight into what excites men who desire other men sexually speaking.

Now, brace yourself as this next part gets wild - as if discussing gay porn wasn't already exciting enough: fetishes and subgenres.

First up, we have 'twinks,' a term used to describe young, boyish looking men with tight abs and perfect hair. You know, the kind that gives you cavities just looking at them. Next, we got 'bears', burly, hairy dudes who exude rugged masculinity and a love for flannel shirts. Then there's 'otters', which sounds adorable until you realise they're talking about slim fellows with moderate muscle tone. But hey, diversity rocks xD So, moving on to the juicier bits... oh yes, kinks. From leather daddies (nope, nothing weird about grown men dressing up in dead animal skin, harnesses and chains...) to jockstraps (totally necessary attire while running track) to spanking (be nice, leave marks!) to BDSM (bonus points if you can pronounce that without snickering). Amidst all this madness lies another little gem: cuckoldry. Don't worry, don't fret - it ain't as bad as it sounds. All it means is watching your partner get busy with another guy and umm.. enjoying the view(??) Trust me, there's a market for everything. Let's just say size matters (those screen resolution settings weren't invented for no reason), ages range (from fresh faced to distinguished silver foxes), and plenty of ethnicities (I discovered the term “snow bunny”; white guys/gals who only fuck black guys).

At first, there was no response to anything. Especially the first bulk of video selection which primarily showcased the antics of two muscular athletes engaged in passionate foreplay under moonlight (uuhhhhhh why did I just transform into a sappy teenager writing fan fiction?). Okay it wasn’t under moonlight but some sketchy hotel room. My reactions continued along a path well-worn, eliciting equal parts confusion and discomfort. Physically, minor flutters occurred within my abdominal region (wait what? Is someone experiencing pregnancy symptoms or just gas pains from eating dodgy Indian takeout for dinner again!?). Mentally, I pondered if this experience resembled something akin to Stockholm Syndrome. Emotionally, a nagging voice whispered, 'Why?'.

Oddly enough, my mind conjured up images of cute cartoon characters rather than virile males writhing within sweat-glossed sheets. A part of me suspects these internal visualisations may indicate latent zoophiliac desires (maybe we should start a support group for people dealing with unexpected arousals triggered by cuddly animals or cutesy cartoons (Furries Anonymous anyone?). Or better yet, embrace it fully and create whole new categories of adult entertainment tailored towards cartoon porn. Can someone call Disney's lawyers please? We need to trademark "SnowflakePorn" stat!). Must contemplate the possibility of furries replacing the male form entirely. Strange days indeed. Will document anything else of note later tonight.

Well it’s now nighttime and enough foreplay already, science hat back on!

I tried to maintain an open mind and give each type of video a fair chance, even those I suspected I had no attraction whatever like content having to do with human fluids. Interestingly, I now find myself somewhat drawn to the gay fetish porn, particularly BDSM, more than any other type. Upon reflection, physical responses persisted more prominently throughout the duration of this content. While prior experiments yielded minimal noticeable changes, this particular instance evoked stronger reactions, albeit not necessarily attributable to sexual excitability or the gender of the participants. Rather, they seemed symptomatic of heightened emotional investment or some kind of inner masochism.

Let’s re-contextualise the experiment so far: as a heterosexual male I aimed to investigate the potential existence of a latent same-sex attraction by exposing myself to homoerotic films. Now I observe that my response to certain types of content, specifically gay fetish pornography involving BDSM, is more pronounced than my response to other homoerotic stimuli. Upon further reflection, I acknowledge that my reactions may not be directly related to the sexual orientation or gender of the individuals depicted, but rather to the characteristics of submission and domination within the BDSM context. This leads me to consider whether my arousal may be more strongly associated with satisfying specific psychological needs than with the sexual orientation or gender of the individuals involved. Yet, in the context of the exposure-mediator-outcome model, my arousal may be influenced by the mediator (psychological needs) rather than the independent variable (exposure to homoerotic films) and thus further complicating the interpretation of the results.

Thus observations indicated to me that the experiment may be subject to a confounding variable, namely, the BDSM fetish. This confounder complicates the relationship between the independent variable (exposure to homoerotic films) and the dependent variable (my level of same-sex attraction). So, the presence of the confounding variable may lead to a correlation between the exposure to homoerotic films and my arousal without necessarily establishing a causal relationship between the two — which is the original point of interest of the experiment, that is, to determine the relationship extent of causal effect of homoerotic films on my level of same-sex attraction.

One way to circumvent this is to only watch non-BDSM gay porn. However, if my hypothesis holds true that my arousal is primarily tied to BDSM dynamics rather than the specific gender of the participants, then simply focusing on non-BDSM gay pornography would not yield an accurate measurement of any potential same-sex attraction. It would only eliminate the confounding BDSM factor without addressing the actual point of interest. In fact, this hypothesis would also explain why I might not find arousal in heterosexual BDSM content to be significantly different than in homosexual BDSM content, essentially making the original experiment moot in determining sexual orientation based on gender attraction alone as opposed to fetishes.

Such observations lead to questions: Do I crave being dominated, manipulated, or controlled in some capacity? If so, would that constitute evidence of masochistic leanings? These prospects serve as food for future rumination. Subsequent days might reveal more.

Yawn, enough moving images of phalluses and sicency analyses. I decided to trawl through various corners of cyberspace tonight, and I found a selection of videos on YouTube whose titles boasted promises of showing me the error of my ways and embracing the joys of manly camaraderie over sausage parties (AKA some guy called Andre Tater? Andrew Tate?). I have also engaged in watching many other videos such as 'how to tell if someone is gay', and reading bits and pieces of psychology articles etc., to get a better grasp of what sort of preferences are 'normal'.

Lastly I need to clarify I do not intend to masturbate excessively nor develop habits harmful to overall health, this will be kept light & brief without interfering in daily activities or routines, this'll likely also include observing gay couples/individuals outside as well; paying attention to mannerisms & behavior. Of particular note, I'm hoping to see if it becomes easier to identify 'gaydar' (the ability to tell if someone identifies as gay) compared to baseline level when exposed to this content vs without, then hopefully build upon that foundation by using that information. That's what I plan on documenting here in a form resembling a diary format sporadically, primarily for personal benefit with potential side benefits going to communities that care enough to keep track or read along, wish me luck! Maybe one day there will emerge a coherent summary among all this verbal diarrhoea. Great night y'all :smile: ! ^_^ -- Me

Oh, also, sorry for any spelling errors; English isn't my native language 😅

Day 2.

Hola amigos, your resident bilingual pervert voyeur-psychologist here, Mr. Sexpert. Today went smoothly for the most part, didn't stray off course much. Started some simple web browsing focused on queer content (I started watching some gay romance films – why do they all end so tragically?! Too bad Netflix removed "Brokeback Mountain" recently; it would've helped lighten the mood a bit while also reminding me that yes… it is possible to lead happy lives as a homosexual person! Just look at my favorite fictional character Tsukkiyama , a fabulous murderer that turned me on just admitting he liked dresses, jewelry and wanted to become pretty) and reading up more on statistics surrounding sexuality demographics across different parts of the world. Spent some extra time on various subreddits discussing topics like genderqueerness and nonbinary experiences—though admittedly I know nothing about this. Contributed lightheartedly to conversations which prompted others to call me a “troll”. Resisted impulses to seek validation via external affirmation or advice seeking, you know the usual reddit behaviour. Also kept mental notes on any conflicting views encountered; intriguing insights emerged there too (for another post perhaps?). OH and I shared bits about this experiment during friendly banter with coworkers after work – one coming out openly as pansexual yesterday, which sparked an interesting conversation over pancakes earlier today (!!! It's okay to express yourself, my guy! You rock no matter who catches your interest).

Didn't really interact very much with the porn however due to prior commitments elsewhere and only spent ~3 hours max on activities falling under category for day one (BDSM and fetish porn) before calling it quits at roughly midnight; decided against getting involved in anything particularly engaging.

As for today's observations, let's see... femboy porn ruled supreme in terms of inducing involuntary woodwork projects (wow, my handwriting suddenly became artsier here). Those fresh-faced guys(?) radiating a mix of naivety and naughtiness send my libido into overdrive. Admittedly, I found myself mentally drafting scripts where baby-soft hands caress a muscular chest instead of just passively observing. Hmm, did I cross some invisible line by entertaining private fantasies from mere observation? Probably. But heck, it can't be all scientific analysis and note-taking, can it now? A man needs his creative outlets too, right? #artisticlicense #bonermonthlyreport

With the help of specific filters such as 'findom', 'crossdressing', and what not, I encountered countless forms of kinky stuff out there. But amidst all the madness, something else caught my attention: why do most dominant characters in findom videos appear to be women? Is it because men are perceived as being sexually aggressive in nature, thus unable to execute such roles convincingly? Or perhaps, it could be due to the presence of already established patriarchal structures which make people comfortable seeing males subjugate themselves. That aside, I couldn't resist clicking on various clips featuring strapping young bucks dressed like sweet summer childhood dreams but with a dash of dominance thrown in the mix. Oh boy! It feels good to have ventured beyond conventional understanding of masculinity. Maybe, it won't be long until we finally reach a point where expressing your emotions isn't seen as "too gay".

One other thing did stand out to me while conducting searches earlier on though: There doesn't seem to be nearly as much positive representation of male same-sex relationships as female same-sex ones? Or maybe I'm being biased since starting search terms typically involve male pronouns..

Anyway that's it for now, signing off and looking forward to diving further into my experiment over the weekdays ahead. Until next time~

Day 3.

I am looking forward towards examining more homoerotic fetishes today (how many of you can say this? I’m on my way to being a gay porn connoisseur :D) & yours truly is feeling more confident in his/their/her/zer (why settle for binary when we have octals, hexadecs & beyond?! Chef kiss) role as resident pseudo-intellectual navigator via this fantastically nonsensical journey towards . . . who knows at this point.

Gay fetishes today ranged from leather gear to feet worship, and many others in between. I tried to stay neutral during research to avoid that confounding business from earlier, but couldn’t shake the nagging guilt telling me I should leave such content behind as soon as possible. The endless parade of advertisements peppered throughout websites was also too discouraging. One company proudly displayed their logo declaring “We Make Porn Pay”. Another website featured headlines highlighting how users could make $50-$100k annually simply through watching adult films, which sounds eerily similar to claims made by video games companies reassessing microtransactions in loot boxes (perhaps gaming industry execs met secretly to share strategy tactics for capitalising off human indulgences...the horror...or maybe just pure coincidence insert nervous chuckle).

Yet despite the constant reminder of financial gain being peddled everywhere, I can’t bring myself to fully invest emotionally either. Sure, I can appreciate the appeal, and perhaps that’s why many find it addictive...but I’m struggling personally. This lackluster attempt at immersion makes me question why anyone would put effort forth in creating or consuming these kinds of products..Maybe I should stop fighting my lack of interest regarding males - especially ? After all, I never signed up to enjoy watching two dudes hookup. Forced affinity leads to misery. Not to mention the unhealthy levels of guilt whenever pleasure arises from said material. Who wants that kind of baggage looming overhead?

I feel guilty writing those sentences as well now because no matter how strange, unique, or bizarre someone finds their enjoyment—as long as it doesn’t cause direct harm to another person, it remains their choice regardless of popular opinion’s response towards it.
How hypocritical am I acting right now? Speaking out of turn..condemning something only because it holds little value to myself..and judging that factor alone..
I’ll try better tomorrow, promise. For tonight I’m closing the laptop and setting aside distractions. Here’s to sleep. Good night all.

Day 4.

You know when you hit rock bottom? When you find yourself debating whether watching animated cat videos counts as part of your “study” or not. Well, folks, today was that day for me.

But seriously though, the struggle rages on as it looks like we almost finally reached the halfway mark of our 10 days together, and so far things seem to be progressing pretty much according to plan. As usual, today started with doing more general searching of the gay porn variety which then segued into exploring niche interests relating specifically to a more niche area called ‘raceplay’. The raceplay content evoked mixed emotions in me as I grappled with the power dynamics and potential ethical concerns surrounding the fetish.

Though, once again, the rest of the time consisted primarily of watching videos discussing certain aspects pertaining to said topic such as learning about different ‘types’ of people within the community. Some individuals might consider them stereotypes, but they offer additional depth that goes beyond the simple label of ‘gay’. They instead take characteristics even deeper dividing amongst groups like twinks, otakus, jocks and bears (now, one must ask themselves what qualifies an individual as a bear? Hirsuteness level? Appreciation for nature? Or maybe just a love of honeycomb?).

From what I noticed watching, each individual seemed okay expressing who they were. No single video ever took aim critiquing someone else’s fetishes. One video even included a young man wearing a feline ears headband while stripping for his partner in dim lighting. Regardless of their differences, however, neither could evoke much interest since focusing intently on one person means discarding everyone else present. Noticing this pattern helps realise perhaps I appreciate intimate settings more suited to building connections between individuals first rather than random pairings.

Another insight gathered: the significance placed upon context and ambiance plays larger roles than previously acknowledged. I also recognised a preference for leaner frames in contrast to heavily built models dominating most selections. Though the latter group holds appeal, there exists an appreciation for sleek physiques and compact builds offering agile grace when captured in action. Though the shorter statured and stockier participants displayed a charm all their own.

There was also dawning of a newfound appreciation for the exaggerated physical features commonly found among many media depictions of homosexuals, “alpha” males, masc men, what the incel might call the “chads”. I mean, sure, we can mock those chiseled jawlines and gravity defying quads all day long, but deep down, our brains secretly feed on these fictionalized archetypes like addicts searching for their next fix. Admit it! You know exactly where I stand. Shadows lurk everywhere when examined closely enough. Moving on...

With that said, I’m fairly tired, will call it an early night before turning in. Sorry for being unable to write longer entries lately guys as I did in day 1 - thank you to those supporting this wild endeavour nonetheless :^) I look forward seeing where these last several days take us.

Day 5.

Brace thine pink-sparkling unicorn horns fellow travellers, 'tis time to venture through the rabbit hole once again! (Or wormhole technically since black holes are apparently deadly according to some scientists who may have watched Interstellar one too many times...).

Today I report that my experience has been more bearable by imagining the male performers as hot ladies during key moments of sexual interaction, a momentary escape route to make sense of the content overload - imagine the thespians sans facial hair or muscular frames, almost resembling female counterparts. It takes quite an arduous effort and a great deal of ingenuity to execute the feat. Though the brain is not fooled! My brain duly knows these individuals are male, but the trick is to focus on perceiving secondary traits to help blur gender lines temporarily. This approach offers relief, even if temporary, from feeling disconnected with the material due to its hypermasculinity. This odd coping mechanism works surprisingly well when it does, and I report ejaculating TWICE to what is technically homoerotic films (Is this cheating?).

There was one particular aspect that did spark some level of attraction within me... The ‘Twilight Zone’; when straight porn leads into gay porn. This transition usually occurs when actors play characters from opposite sexual orientations yet still get involved with one another. In such instances, a scene might involve a guy professing love towards another male actor dressed as a girl (crossdresser). Or else a woman shows affection for an individual of her same sex acting as a man (butch). The idea alone fascinated me because it brings the lines between genders into question while blurring boundaries separating homophobia and bisexuality. After analysing multiple clips, it dawned upon me that I didn't feel repulsed by any of the footage. Whether these desires develop into full-fledged affections remains unclear since experiencing them firsthand would require interaction with real people instead of fictional representations on screens - something I will NOT be doing (yet).

Some time was devoted towards attempting to comprehend sexual acts that did not fall under the category of "vanilla" for want of a less judgmental term. While viewing these videos, I made a conscious effort to dissociate physical pleasure from any moral implications, taking mental notes on specific elements of the intimate scenes depicted in the films. I observed the actors' body language, the dynamics between them, and the way pleasure and consent were communicated. These actions may prove useful later for purposes of comparison or contrast against real-life interactions.

I noticed that some acts evoked feelings of curiosity and arousal, while others made me feel uncomfortable or indifferent. I want to be honest with myself about these reactions. Overall impressions remain the same, however—wondering if this project will yield the desired result with regards to determining personal preferences around attraction or am I torturing myself for no reason. But enough introspection and analysis; time to rest. Night.

Day 6.

Hey everyone! It's your friendly neighbourhood boner scientist here once again with yet another instalment of my daily report. Day six began with continuing previous routines but then marked yet another turning point in my journey towards enlightenment (and an eventual restraining order). I was forced to confront an inner demon named Muscle Mary. Yes, imagine my surprise upon encountering an entire fetish culture based around toned gay men embodying powerful personas with a dash of sass. My primordial instincts screamed "EW!" while other parts... well, let's just say they didn't disagree entirely. Quite the dilemma, ladies and gentlemen, quite the conundrum indeed. Did I happen across any notable statistical data to share with you lovely readers? Not really. Just a confusing soup of conflicting preferences and urges seeking validation. How profound! Me obscure desires are totally valid.

Hmph... it still seems too vanilla anyway despite all the muscles flexing under neon lights. Not feeling stimulated just yet. Scrolling, scrolling, click, enter. Another video link titled "Bearish Behaviour Unleashed." Pauses. Frowns deeply. Bears? Are those hairy dudes going to chase me away from the salmon stream now too? Frickin' nature documentaries. Let alone actual ones – why are animated shows cursed with this trope? Sorry sidebar... back to the task at hand. Video starts. Hot damn, wait 'til Bigfoot finds out his relations run around dancing half naked, flirting, kissing each other, forming close bonds, AND enjoying a good foot rub at home – not hibernating in a cave hiding like some reclusive freak. Well, well, well... didn't expect any kinship between woodland critters and the lifestyle depicted in gay circles. Somehow reminds me of how folks stereotype certain groups based solely on physical characteristics and behaviors... which gets pretty exhausting if you're stuck in the middle of it all.

Oh, wait, I remember something interesting! Somewhere along the way, I managed to accidentally invent a term called Homoerotic Performance Art Therapy (HPAT) under the guise of intellectual property rights for the greater good of society. Yeah... go figure that tidbit came back to bite me. Trust me, it won't end well. Regardless, my commitment remains steadfast as ever. Too late to turn back now, may as well ride the chaos wave until final credits roll on this opus.

The rest of today’s focus revolved mostly around exploring different aspects of gay representation across varying mediums. As I interacted with such materials, particular emphasis lay on evaluating what appealed versus what repelled. Although initial impressions remained consistent throughout the investigation thus far, some fresh sensations unexpectedly emerged during this phase.

To clarify, whereas previously there had been indifference, fleeting glimpses of interest started popping up. Uncertainty lingers regarding the origins behind these nascent inclinations, whether rooted in familiarisation (possible), curiosity piquing due to increase exposure, innate preferences becoming increasingly evident over time due to prolonged observation, or perhaps mere mental adaptation to recurring sights and sounds, that is, my brain merely responding to stimuli through homoerotic conditioning and adapting via behavioural responses(?)

The latter concept derives from accounts detailing phenomena associated with ‘sissy hypnosis,’ wherein male viewers are exposed repeatedly to specific auditory and optical components linked to transsexual content intermittently sprinkled with images/videos of male phalluses, with the intention of developing corresponding desires or yearnings for bodily modifications towards feminisation and/or a desire for the male phallus itself. Exploring these potential sources of change necessitates additional contemplation. Nonetheless, observations persistently center on gaining insights into human connections in general without assuming any set conclusions concerning individual desires going forward.

And now, having already gone off on three separate tangents tonight – yes, multi-tasking is not my strong suit, unless referring to reading manga alongside other activities like listening to audiobooks when playing video games or running errands – signifies that my mind has decided it’s high time to log off until tomorrow. So in conclusion, day six ends feeling somewhat unsure about everything with maybe a minuscule hint of potential intrigue? Sweet dreams to everyone who wishes to get some rest tonight🌙💤❄️⛄️

Day 7.

My internet history deserves a divorce decree signed by the judge of Digital Nosiness Court (that needs a catchier name – open job opportunity here!) since our relationship looks like a long-term affair involving multiple midnight snacks spiralled outta control. So many tabs –– some closed regretfully; others remain open, still warm, filled with glimmering promises waiting to be savoured once more. Forget dieting! My browser history demands constant feedings and will probably require therapy just like any jilted ex looking for answers to soothe bruised egos caused by neglect. Yikes.

Anyway……..

Today marks another milestone in this journey with no apparent finish line in sight. My efforts continued unabated. Recent developments have seen minor shifts in perspective which, while nothing earthshaking, do carry significance nonetheless. For instance, whereas beforehand I could reliably differentiate between male/female, the lines separating masculinity/femininity blurred ever so slightly. No longer can one label an action as purely masculine or feminine anymore; rather, each interaction arises as a unique combination of traits resulting from social constructs developed since birth. Mind blown? Don't worry, you're not alone. I still find myself picking apart nuances during interactions, trying to discern what influences led to said actions. Perhaps I stumbled upon a revolutionary method for breaking gender barriers as a whole? cough If only time could tell...

Also, I like to report that my interaction with gay men became less mechanical with certain characters eliciting sympathetic responses. So, why bring up "sympathy" you ask? Well, when observing situations involving fictitious people or porn actors, sympathy typically originates due to relatability factors inherent in said scenarios, such as in the BDSM activities. In turn, this indicates that components exist linking my existence with those portrayed albeit indirectly via scriptwriters' imaginations. But real-life was, well, is normally quite different - life imitating art again? Tsk tsk.

Now, moving on to the interesting bit...
Yes, you guessed it, something finally actually happened - drumroll I experienced actual attraction to someone (full blown erection)! That's right folks, yours truly found himself feeling drawn towards another person of the same-sex! Granted, this rush lasted only mere seconds, and the object of desire shared attributes similar to my own preferences in women, as he was quite feminine, what the video called a ‘femboy’. Still, it felt novel experiencing even momentary infatuation which differed from anything encountered hithertofore.

Twink/femboy porn undeniably captured my attention, especially its portrayal of adolescent or young adult males known as "twinks," often perceived as possessing youthful exuberance alongside traditionally attractive features. Unlike the hypermasculinity showcased in bear culture videos, the inclusion of boyish figures stoked intrigue within me. It’s always some adorably confused millennial twink who somehow makes subpar acting look charming. Honestly, research never looked so sexy before this #queeringtheconversation project.

These slender physiques combined with smooth faces, supple skin, and minimal facial hair epitomized the archetype of innocent charm and purity I had been programmed to find appealing in women since childhood. Consuming content featuring these younger-looking actors sparked increased levels of sexual desire, leading to sustained erections. Viewing their delicate gestures, giggles, and occasional awkwardness heightened my level of arousal and made it challenging at times to maintain objectivity while analysing these performances …or was it a peculiar type of empathy that had emerged, almost parental in nature? How curious. Perhaps I possess an inclination towards nurturing others? Am I attracted to said individuals or am I reaching a sufficiently old age to warrant innate parental nurturing desires? Someone call Frued! The possibility seems remote but nonetheless worthy of inquiry later down the line. This, alongside yesterday’s contemplation of age differences, leads to examining love's many guises and what truly constitutes acceptability.

I should stress though, despite temporary captivation, the overall impression remains quite neutral leaning towards detachment in response to material aimed specifically at the homosexual demographic. Finally reaching conclusion, I believe acknowledging even faint signs of connection represents significant progress compared to starting conditions. Therefore, if my progression follows an exponential trajectory, I look forward to discoveries yet unknown waiting in the wings. Good night y'all, hope tomorrow delivers promising new findings👋🏽🌕🐻🐼

Day 8.

Today, I watched hot dudes going at it like rabbits (how’s that for an opener?). Yes, while all my friends were out partying,I spent my Saturday night indulging in a smorgasbord of sexy man candy, alternating between steamy professionally shot gay porn and raw amateur footage, just to see how my reactions might differ. I have to say, there's something intriguing about the authenticity of amateur videos. They feel more real and it’s easier to relate to the people involved—unlike the professional videos which seemed a bit overproduced and hard to connect with.

I found a possible way to circumscribe (wink) the confounder observed in day 2 (which is my arousal to the fetish over and above the sex of the performers) without eliminating fetish content; making a conscious effort to observe not only the on-screen dynamics but also the specific physical attributes of the men and the role of the phallus in each scene. I also paid special attention to which “types” of guys turned me on and why. And let me tell you - it wasn't always pretty.

First off, I couldn't resist the charm of buff studs flexing their taut bods and bulging muscles, conjuring up fantasies of being swept away into their powerhouse arms (though again this could be a projection of submissive fantasies). Meanwhile, the lean twinks had me drooling again over their boyish charms and innocent grins, picturing them giggling underneath my body as we playfully tangled in bed. What gives? Am I attracted to both the alpha males and submissive cuties because they represent aspects of domination and submission within relationships irrespective of gender? Confounders everywhere. Food for thought...

Of course, it wouldn't be a true celebration of male flesh without exploring different scenarios involving the magical third wheel - the phallus. While certain encounters left me feeling neutral, others sparked conflicting emotions. Some tightly clutched erections sent shivers down my spine, igniting a primal craving for hard cocks pressed against my own naked form (TMI?). Yet, other graphically explicit scenes of man meat jostling wildly gave me slight pause, almost hinting at deeper psychosexual issues I may need to confront head-on. This journey promises to be anything but vanilla.

The other inquiry of tonight focused on content steeped in age gap romanticism. Two individuals separated by decades entangled themselves in each other's embrace, blurring societal norms. Initial trepidation was soon supplanted by odd stirrings. An unexpected warmth crept over my skin, almost comparable to holding another's hand during winter. Cerebral analysis commenced posthaste, seeking to discern any underlying reasons for such physiological responses. Age difference did not factor among attractions previously considered, making tonight's outcome puzzling at best. Hypotheses sprouted forth: Perhaps youthful vitality invokes a yearning for connection to our mortality? Are we drawn to people who remind us of different stages in life, whether childhood innocence or wise mentorship? Alternatively, age disparities could reflect the quintessence of a dominant/submissive relationship, again a sign of a deep affection for masochism that transgresses gender boundaries. Is it possible then that age diversity taps into a deeper psychological craving for balance or power struggles that extend beyond traditional notions of 'top' and 'bottom?' Still, none provide definitive explanations.

As I watched more videos, I observed that my reactions varied depending on the context and the actors involved. For example, some videos that portrayed tender and intimate moments between the men elicited feelings of warmth and empathy, but no sexual attraction. In contrast, others that showcased more aggressive or dominant interactions evoked a strong response from my phallus.

Through this detailed examination, I am coming to understand that my feelings towards men and the phallus in these videos are more complex than a simple binary of attraction or repulsion. Instead, I am gradually uncovering a spectrum of emotions, mostly me being stimulated by exposure to a domination-submission scene that transcends gender constructs. Sooner or later, truth will emerge amidst the haze. Until then… don't forget to set that DVR to record tonight's episode of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars - it's sure to inspire plenty of fierce revelations! Adieu!

Day 9.

It's journal time again as day number nine brings us closer to the end.
So, as expected with each passing day bringing forth various revelations large and small, another surprise dropped into my lap come evening. Unlike past instances though, my new epiphany concerned my very nature itself. Before diving headlong into details however, allow me to first summarise the day leading up to my grand discovery.

Another day, another set of obscene video clips to scrutinise! Can't complain, right? Gotta stay vigilant in monitoring every explicit detail and anal prostate massage position shown on screen. What can I say except, "Saddle up, butts - we got work to do!" Oh, let's not forget to jot down copious notes comparing furry/feminine depictions versus my own masculine body. This groundbreaking research will surely yield Nobel Prize potential! Societal norms be damned; I proudly wear my perverse explorer badge with honor. Time to press on and penetrate deeper into this rabbit hole before someone else steals our research thunder. Onwards ho! Full steam ahead to Day Nine - who knows what hidden pleasures await us beyond the veils of innocence, er, ignorance! snort Let's get wild, people. PornHub calling! Action!

Routine behaviors persisted as usual until settling down later when suddenly inspiration struck! Yes indeed, after countless episodes consisting exclusively of erotica and voice recordings, video footage finally joined the mix courtesy of well-loved animated films (cough hentai cough).

Yes you guessed it, I decided to venture into a new realm of gay porn: Japanese animated pornography, or otherwise termed ‘hentai’. I haven’t mentioned this but my task for the evening had been prearranged; I was going to delve deep into the world of "Yaoi" - Japanese media focusing on erotic romantic relationships between male characters, often containing elements of fantasy. This sparked a mix of curiosity and interest while simultaneously raising concerns over socially acceptable behaviour in expressing these affections as it is unclear how old these individuals actually are (?). It got me wondering where do these lines stand and does it apply to non-Japanese works, too? Speculated on the impact of history and cultural barriers affecting the presence and perception of these dynamics between males (WEST vs EAST; my recent discovery allows a clearer understanding into why Japanese culture has managed to accept such expressions of affection, whereas modern Western society still faces difficulties embracing sexual diversity. Japan fosters an environment where same-sex relationships can flourish in manga, anime, and games without societal judgment looming over its citizens). So far, it feels like I caught myself in crossfire between childhood nostalgia of budding friendships versus adult tendencies to objectify humans.

Yaoi also goes by the name of Boys' Love (BL) or June. Though its roots were visible in the works of early manga artists such as Junichi Nakahara and Keiko Takemiya, it really didn't come into its own, commercially or artistically, until the 1990s with the rise of BL publishers such as June and Be x Boy. It first originated as slash fanfiction featuring popular characters from existing works and evolved into its own publishing industry. Examples of this being the manga series Kizuna by Kazuma Kodaka, which explores the complex and often fraught relationships between two male lovers, and the anime series Love My Life which follows the romance between a young man and his older lover. The use of fantastical elements, such as supernatural creatures and alternate universes, is also a hallmark of the Yaoi genre, as seen in series such as Sekaiichi Hatsukoi and Love Stage!!. But what really sets Yaoi apart from other genres of manga and anime is its focus on the psychological cum erotic realism of same-sex relationships, rather than simply exploiting these relationships for the sake of drama or comedy. And yet, despite its widespread influence in many other genres of manga and anime, from the romantic comedies of Rumiko Takahashi to the fantasy epics of Clamp, Yaoi remains a genre that is often misunderstood or marginalized by Western audiences. This is perhaps due to the fact that Yaoi often pushes the boundaries of what is considered acceptable in terms of erotic same-sex relationships. Yaoi manga and anime frequently feature explicit content, including graphic depictions of sex, nudity, and other adult themes. This has led to criticism from some quarters that Yaoi is nothing more than a form of gay pornography, with little artistic or literary merit.

Knowing this much about the genre, I felt lost as to where to start. Eventually, I found myself browsing video hosting websites until stumbling upon various animated videos portraying anthropomorphic animals engaging in sexual acts. The scenes in these videos were far outside of anything I have ever encountered, with images of dogs dressed up like samurais, cats donning armor, and rabbits with long, flowing ears. And yet there I was, sitting alone in my room, surrounded by plushies and posters adorned with similar illustrations.

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to become completely immersed in the experience. The strange beauty of these stories captivated me, tapping into parts of myself I never knew existed. At one point, a particularly well-drawn scene caused a flush to spread across my cheeks, followed shortly afterwards by a familiar twinge in my chest.

It was then that I realised; I might actually enjoy yaoi, and not just because of the titillating aspects. There's something endearing and relatable when watching two fictional characters fall deeply in love despite the obstacles in their way. The message of acceptance echoes through many BL mangas, where protagonists are able to overcome their struggles to live happily together. Perhaps this is why BL has grown to be so widely accepted and celebrated in Japan and beyond. Who knows how this genre may change me over time.

One particular film featured a storyline where a male character found himself drawn to another man, despite having been in heterosexual relationships before. Their connection began with subtle flirtations, gradually building up to more intimate scenes that showcased both their physical and emotional attraction. The explicit nature of these scenes, combined with the emotional depth of the characters, elicited a range of emotions within me—though not all sexual in nature. Another film I viewed focused on a same-sex couple navigating the complexities of their relationship in a futuristic world. The intimate scenes between the characters were artfully portrayed, with attention to detail in their expressions and the passionate dynamics at play.

All things considered then, I found myself more intrigued by the storytelling and emotional depth of the characters than the explicit sexual content. Interestingly, as I viewed the films, I realised that the gay explicit scenes did evoke some form arousal or excitement within me but I suspect that it was mostly due to the fact that many of the anime characters really did look quite androgynous, even indistinguishable from women sometimes. I did experience some physical reactions, such as getting erect on some of the more intense scenes.

This observation had my mental wheels turning ever faster, eventually it hit me square in the face. Prepare thyself dear reader for the shocking confession about to transpire...I...am...pansexual(?!) Wha-, hang on a tick - I can hear confusion echoing in your heads even through these pages(?!). Don't worry folks, let me explain in the simplest terms possible. Pansexuality essentially entails finding qualities attractive irrespective of gender presentation – meaning attraction exists across traditional labels assigned based upon physical traits alone. The word “pan” means all inclusive, thus being sexually inclined towards anyone regardless of age, race, body size, ability status…the list can go on endlessly. In other words, my spectrum no longer resides strictly on boy + girl = opposite sex attraction only.

And there we have it folks(!), this startling announcement concludes my journal entry for the day. Goodnight!

DX Oh no wait, there's one final thing… whispers wouldn’t this mean I am also in at lest some sense… G-A-Y? Well I suppose it wouldn't surprise anyone if this discovery means I'll add even further depth to this whole porno journey now would it? Heh, only time will tell...for now, zzzz zzz snores.

Day 10.

The experiment has ended. The journey I embarked upon 10 days ago has concluded. I bid farewell to this experience as I realise how much I have grown as a result.

Over these 10 days, I have delved into various realms of gay porn, ranging from live-action films to animated hentai. I have witnessed different dynamics, relationships, and sexual scenarios, each offering unique insights into the complexities of human connections and attractions. I have experienced a wide range of emotions and reactions, from curiosity and fascination to discomfort and indifference. Grappling with these materials left me conflicted. Partial arousal coupled with self loathing brought about deep introspection.

We can now finally attempt to answer questions posed earlier in the experiment: Was I capable of feeling desire for someone of the same sex underneath it all? Or had my brain simply been conditioned into certain responses through repeated stimuli? Given that arousal was almost always absent in romantic/vanilla scenes and present in fetish/domination scenes, it was still difficult to dissociate this confounding factor from same-sex attraction, making any conclusive findings indeterminate at least with respect to whether exposure to homoerotic materials elicits a significant increase in same-sex attraction. Attempts to isolate the independent variable of same-sex attraction resulted in failure. Consequently, it was impossible to determine whether the observed arousal responses were a genuine manifestation of same-sex desire or merely an artifact of the conditioning process. The findings of this study highlight the need for further research into the effects of media exposure on human sexual behaviour and cognition, as well as the importance of controlling for confounding variables in experimental design.

Other findings were more sociological than psychological. Having grown up amidst traditional gender roles where men are expected to be macho and emotionally reserved, witnessing sexual activity between two individuals sharing my own gender identity created a stark contrast against my perceived image of what makes a "real" man. At times, intense guilt surfaced as thoughts raced about whether viewing this type of content would cause harm to my mental wellbeing or damage the core of what society has defined as proper behaviour for my social role as a straight man. A pang of fear frequently struck as I questioned if experiencing such attractions could mean losing grasp of my current understanding of myself and my place in society.

To summarise: the experiment honestly feels more similar to learning a language and then forgetting everything once you arrive in that foreign country. All these experiences seemed so important while they were happening yet leave no lasting impact. My brain even has trouble processing memories from day four onwards—a hazy blur. Yet despite that weird sense of disassociation or mental fogginess post-binge, further conclusions must still be drawn.

So I ask myself one last time: What is the true conclusion to all this? How am I left after peering through all those screens? I realise that it isn't so important anymore. There was no grand enlightenment to reach at journey's end, just another path taken and lessons learned along the way. In short; it doesn’t matter, if X human makes my pee pee go ‘YAY’ = great. Pansexuality here I come!

So to truly test this finding, on this final day, I decided to explore a genre of pornography under the heading of ‘non-binary’—a sub-genre of transsexual porn which showcases androgynous human beings in sexual antics—something that speaks to my newfound embrace of pansexuality. As I watched videos featuring individuals transitioning gender roles, I was exposed to interactions that did not conform to any conventional stereotypes of manhood versus womanhood or vice versa. Although I cannot claim full understanding, immersion exposed previously concealed realms wherein individuals inhabited diverse identities unfettered by societal expectations.

In this closing paragraph, I want to remind myself and others how crucial it is to remain open minded about these subject matters. Admittedly, not everything may be palatable; yet we owe ourselves the task of exploration.

Au revoir diary. Fare thee well and may future chronicles yield even more exciting experiments. Until we meet again…

Goodbye